


Teetering On The Edge

by lilidelafield



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-02
Updated: 2016-12-08
Packaged: 2018-09-03 20:17:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8728717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilidelafield/pseuds/lilidelafield
Summary: In the weeks following a harrowing covert mission at the insistence of Section 31, Julian Bashir is forced to face some frightening realities about himself; He discovers that the line between himself and Khan is much narrower than anyone could ever have believed...
Will he come out of this with his life or his sanity intact?





	1. A Plea for Help

This story is set about a year after the end of the season seven. It follows on just a few weeks following events in the ST:DS9 novel “Abyss”;

(ABYSS SUMMERY):

Starfleet’s covert society Section 31 has forced Bashir to undertake a mission to stop one of their own agents… Bashir discovers that the man, named Locken is a man like himself, a doctor, genetically enhanced. Locken however, has been manipulated and changed by section 31 and is now determined to recreate the galaxy in his own image. Bashir discovers obscene and upsetting genetic experimentation going on in Locken’s private lab…and other things. When Bashir discovers the depths to which Locken has plunged in his plan to become another Khan,he learns more about himself than he had ever wanted to find out . . .

 

 

Miles O'Brien smiled as he put his arm through Keiko's.

"Hello darling. Come to walk me home?"

Keiko kissed him.

"Actually Miles, I came to tell you that you have a call waiting...subspace."

Miles looked surprised.

"Subspace call? Who from? Julian?"

Keiko shook her head.

"No, Nerys. She seems pretty worried. I think she has a favour to ask."

Miles was mystified. Kira needed his help? What could be wrong? What, if anything, could he do from Earth? Keiko could not guess at the reason either, so they hurried home together.

Colonel Kira Nerys was waiting patiently for their return.

Miles activated his screen and smiled.

"Hello Nerys! It's been a while!"

Kira's face broke into a smile.

"Miles! Good to see you again! How's Kirayoshi?"

"He's doing great. Getting really big now Nerys. You'd hardly recognise him. You really should come for a visit. We'd love to have you."

Kira's smile faded slightly.

"Miles...that's part of why I'm calling. This is a coded channel. There are reasons why I don't want people listening in on our conversation. I really need your help with doctor Bashir."  
Miles's brow furrowed in consternation.

"Julian? Is he alright?"

Kira paused, and shook her head.

"He'll tell you he's fine...and in some ways he is. His work is as brilliant as ever but..."

"But...?"

"He's got something on his mind...I have an idea what it is but I can't tell you anything over subspace, even on a coded channel. Too secret. I will say this, that I believe...and Dax agrees with me, that Julian is worried about something...he just will not relax any more...not properly. He's...changed."

She smiled.

"He needs a dose of Miles O'Brien. Desperately."

Miles was perplexed. Julian, especially in the final months of the war, had really begun to shine. His intellect, his vast arena of knowledge, his kindness and compassion had really come into their own. He had ceased the pretense of foolishness and idiocy that had long been his habit, even after the truth about his DNA resequencing had become known, and shown everyone the real Julian Bashir. Brilliant...kind and compassionate...his morality. An almost ruthless moral determination that Miles had discovered when the two of them had invaded the mind of a section 31 agent in order to obtain a cure for Odo's disease. He had an idea that the whole affair had affected Julian a great deal, although he had not spoken of it afterwards. One thing that was plain about Julian, was his habit of blaming himself when he failed to live up to his own elevated expectations. If someone died from an incurable disease, it was invariably Julian's fault for failing to invent one. The fact that a cure had eluded all the best doctors and scientists in the Federation for over four hundred years was purely irrelevent in the doctor's eyes.

"Will you send him here?"

She shook her head.

pan>"Been tried already. Simply says he's fine, thank you very much, and stop fussing. I even tried giving him a direct order. He obediently went to Bajor for three days. I later discovered that he spent the entire three days working at the emergency relief hospital in the Khendra Valley. He never stops. Dax...Dax is worried about him too. She believes that he is heading for a breakdown...a serious one. Miles, I need you to come to the station, pack his bag for him and take him home with you. There's a chance he'll listen to you. You're my last hope. If you can't help him, then I'll have to go to Starfleet Medical...and Julian is too valuable to lose. I need him Miles. You will help?"

Dumbfounded, Miles nodded.

"I'll leave on the first available transport."

He glanced at Keiko wordlessly, who nodded emphatically. She was too shocked to speak. He quickly packed an overnight bag, slung it over his shoulder and left the house, heading for Starfleet Academy.

Admiral Winterbaum was still in his office as per usual, and seemed surprised when Professor Miles O'Brien arrived, requesting an interview.

"What can I do for you professor?"

Miles, hating the term `professor' more than ever, shuffled his feet.

"Admiral, I want your permission to find a temporary replacement for me for a few weeks...an emergency has come up and I need to leave Earth immediately."

The Admiral leaned forward in his chair.

"An emergency? Life and death emergency?"

n>"Close, sir."

"If your help is needed elsewhere Mr O'Brien, then it would be wrong to refuse your request. Can I know something of this emergency?"

"Sir, a close personal friend urgently needs my help. I need to travel to Deep Space Nine...that's all I know sir."  
"Deep Space Nine...that was your last posting wasn't it? You went on board as Chief of Operations when Starfleet took over command of the station after the Cardassian withdrawal. DS9 is currently our most important posting, and standing orders stipulate that its personnel are to receive top priority. You need to travel to the station?"

Miles shuffled his feet uncomfortably.

"Yes sir...I have four months leave due to me Admiral. I know it's short notice, but I would like to take it now."  
The Admiral frowned thoughtfully.

"It certainly is short notice. Have you someone ready to take your place?"

Miles grinned.

"Lieutenant Commander LaForge has agreed to take over from me for a while, and he is looking forward to it sir."  
p>  
"Yes, the Enterprise is being refitted and the crew are on stand-down for six months. Alright, agreed professor. You've certainly earned your R & R. Enjoy your leave. As it happens, the science vessel, USS Seeker is heading for the Gamma Quadrant, and will stop off briefly at the station before it goes through the wormhole. It leaves in three hours or so...Would you like me to arrange passage on board?"  
Miles grinned.

"The Seeker? Warp 9.3 on a bad day? I think she might do alright..."

Doctor Julian Bashir rolled over in bed with a sigh, sleep eluding him as it often did. He usually hid his wakefulness from Ezri, but she had fallen asleep hours ago. He could hear her restful breathing beside him. Somehow he felt her presence a calming influence. Just as Jadzia Dax had always seemed to know exactly the right thing to do in a crisis, so Ezri Dax gave him a similar feeling, despite the relative inexperience of Ezri herself. She was rapidly coming to terms with what being joined really meant, and was successfully integrating the symbiont and his memories into the fabric of her identity.

Why was it he was unable to talk to her about the madness going on in his brain? He had begun to speak about it to her before they left Sindorin. She was aware of the depths of his feelings about things, and must therefore be very hurt at his refusal to confide in her. What was holding him back? If only he could define the problem in words, it might be easier. Dax had seen so much throughout her nine lives...

There was a movement beside him, and Ezri was leaning over him slightly, concern in her eyes.

"Still can't sleep?"

"No."

"How about some cocoa?"

She had put the lights on low and was out of bed before he could protest. A few moments later she returned with two mugs of cocoa. She handed one of them to him and sat on the edge of the bed, cradling hers in her hands.

"Problems?"

Julian shrugged.

"Listen Ezri, I...I'm sorry I...there is something on my mind and I...I can't talk about it...not yet...I don't mean to shut you out."

She gently shook her head and raised his mug toward his lips.

"You have nothing to apologise to me for Julian. I know you. I've known you since we first met on the transport ship eight years ago...when you were flirting with Jadzia. I can tell when something is bothering you, and I am here for you if you need me. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. Just remember that I love you, and I always will. Now drink."

He took a sip, then put his mug down and leaned forward and took hers from her. Placing it carefully on the floor, he grabbed her round the neck and pulled her toward him.

"God, I love you so much Ezri."

As they kissed, their forgotten mugs of cocoa slowly cooled.

 

*  
Miles O'Brien watched the station drawing closer with mixed feelings. He knew this place so well. Every inch of it he had lovingly cared for, patched, mended or replaced at least a dozen times during his seven years on board. His fellow passengers jostled for first place in the queue to disembark. He waited, feeling oddly out of place...as if he had betrayed a dear old friend. The feeling vanished as he thought of seeing Julian once more. Although he would never admit it openly, Julian was the best friend he had ever had. He wondered if Julian felt the same way? Was Kira right about their friendship? Would Julian listen to him even though he had refused to listen to anyone else? Well, he would soon know. He picked up his bag and headed out of the airlock.

Two well loved faces awaited his arrival with beaming smiles. Miles dropped his overnight bag on the floor and swept them into his arms.

"Nerys! Ezri! It's lovely to see you again!"

Dax and Kira were almost overwhelmed at seeing Miles O'Brien again. He represented a part of the past that they both felt was lost forever to the station...gone along with Sisko and Odo and Worf...and even Jadzia. Ezri was still very much aware of the gap that still existed where Jadzia had once been, that no one would ever be able to fill. No succeeding host of Dax's could ever be quite like Jadzia, whom had acheived more in her short life than many of the other hosts had done in their long ones. Miles' return, however brief, brought back a longed-for feeling of normality. They hugged him back with equal enthusiasm and walked beside him down the corridor. Miles glanced at each of them and shouldered his bag.

"So, which of you will tell me what's been going on here?"

Dax and Kira exchanged a look. Kira nodded slightly, which Dax returned. Speaking in low tones, Dax described the circumstances surrounding the mission to Sindorin, the visit of the section 31 man named Cole, the events that had taken place on the planet Sindorin, and the details Julian had discovered about the man Locken that had hit too close to home for comfort. When she finished her tale, Miles was staring at her, appalled.

"Bloody Section thirty-one again!" he fumed. "Why don't they just leave him alone! Well, it's obvious from what you've said, why they fixed their sights on him in the first place. A man like Julian, completely loyal, genetically enhanced, with no social defects, no hang-ups, and fully accepted into society...including Starfleet!"

Dax nodded.

"And a strong sense of duty. They can get him to do whatever they want by playing on his humanity. If he was as twisted as Locken was, he could slip out of their grasp easily...but he just isn't ruthless enough to let innocent people suffer for the sake of his better feelings."

Miles nodded. His common sense was taking him further, where the two women were unwilling to go. Kira, and even Dax to some extent, implicitly believed that Julian was exactly the same man he had always been, and that nothing could ever change him. Miles wondered if all this had caused Julian to begin to doubt himself. To wonder if there wasn't even a little bit of Locken somewhere in his own psyche. Under similar circumstances, anyone might be forgiven for having self-doubts.

The problem was, Miles himself, if pressed, would not be able to give a satisfactory answer. He had implicit faith in Julian's integrity, but he had also seen the ruthlessness Julian had displayed when circumstances… caused again by section thirty-one, had forced his hand. Where was that defining line? Could Julian ever cross it? Would he?

Personally, he did not believe Julian would ever cross the line and become another Locken, but Julian needed to believe it. He needed to believe in himself. If he had lost faith in his own integrity, it could be enough to send a man like Julian Bashir spiralling into black depression.

"Where is Julian right now?"

"In surgery. A Bajoran merchant vessel got itself caught in a solar flare which blew out all the power conduits and ruptured the feedback generator. Lieutenant Nog has the repairs in hand, but Bashir is still treating fifty-four injured Bajoran crewmen."

Miles nodded.

"Maybe I'll go along there now and give him a surprise eh?"

He sped off, leaving the two women smiling after him.

"You know Nerys, I'm very happy to see Miles. It was a good idea. Are you sure you can't spare me to go join them on Earth?"

Kira shook her head.

"You know the answer to that Ezri. We want Julian and Miles to go and have a wonderful holiday together, just the two of them without any other...distractions getting in the way. It was your recommendation after all. Are you changing your mind?"

Dax shook her head reluctantly.

"No, It's just that I would love to visit Earth. I was meant to go with Julian before the Sindorin mission if you remember, and that was cancelled. I still haven't had my shore leave. By the time you are able to spare me, you won't want to lose Julian. I'd rather spend my time with him than go off somewhere alone."

Kira grinned.

"I thought you joined Trills don't actually need anyone

else? You made that plain enough when you first came on board as Jadzia!"

"I know. Well, I've changed my mind. Julian has grown on me that's all...it's true!" she defended herself hotly. "Jadzia fell for Worf after all. I fell for Julian."

Kira smiled on her.

"You really think the world of Julian, don't you?"

Dax nodded, her eyes dreamy.

"More than anything else in the universe, Nerys. If I were to lose him...I...I'm not sure how I'd survive."  



	2. An Old Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miles arrives back on DS9 as Kira's last hope of helping Doctor Bashir. If Miles cannot persuade his old friend to take some badly needed R & R, she will have no choice but to officially relieve the doctor of duty.  
> Is Miles' influence going to be enough?

Miles O'Brien arrived in the doorway of sickbay and stood there, leaning against the wall. He could hear doctor Bashir in the next room, calmly talking to his nurses, as professional as always. Doctor Girani looked round and almost cried out in delight when Miles put his finger to his lips and hushed her. She glanced quickly toward the next room and grinned.

“...once you've done that, clean up and go home. You look worn out!" Came 

Julian's voice from the next room.

The next moment Julian strode into the dispensary, wiping his hands on a towel.

Miles studied his old friend for a moment. He had always been slender, but now he was thinner than ever. His handsome face seemed older, more drawn, with the angles of jaw and chin somehow more clearly defined. The younger man was looking very different from the over-confident, almost cocky Julian that Miles remembered. There was something else too, something difficult to define about him, and it was several seconds before he could put his finger on it. He had the look of a man whom had seen all the horrors of the universe at first hand. The innocence that had once been his most prominent quality was gone. Julian Bashir had grown up. He strode into the room, engrossed in his work as ever.

"Doctor Girani, I..."

The words died on his lips as he happened to glance toward the doorway and saw Miles O'Brien leaning nonchalantly against the doorpost as if he had been there all along. His jaw dropped, and for a split second, he was paralysed.

“Fancy a game of darts after your shift?" Miles asked as off-handedly as he could.

Julian opened his mouth to reply, but the room seemed to spin sickeningly around him, then everything went black.

Doctor Girani and the nurses on duty hastened to their chief medical officer's assistance with the air of those who had known all along that this would happen. 

Miles looked shocked, but as they settled Bashir onto a biobed, Girani smiled reassuringly.

"Don't worry Chief, he'll be fine. He's just tired and overworked. You know what he's like when there's an emergency... he stays focussed on his work and keeps on going. He's been working so hard lately, and getting so little sleep, that your turning up out of the blue like that must have given him a shock."

"So he'll be alright? He'll wake up in a minute?"

Girani grinned mischeivously.

"He'll probably put me on report for this later but...I gave him a strong sedative to make sure he doesn't wake up until he's had at least twelve hours sleep..."

Miles chuckled.

"Don't worry Doc', when I've finished with him, he'll be thanking you."

Nog took full advantage of O'Brien's presence to glean as much information out of him as he could possibly absorb in the time, until Miles began to feel thankful that he was only here on vacation after all. About eleven hours after his arrival, nurse Bandee called him on the comm.

"Sickbay to Mr O'Brien."

"Go ahead."

"I thought you'd want to know, doctor Bashir is about to wake up sir."

“I'm on my way."

In sickbay, Miles stood over Julian as the younger man opened his eyes.

"Feeling better after your nap my friend?"

Julian sat up.

"Miles! You're back...you're not a figment of my imagination are you?"

Miles grinned and gave his old friend a great bear hug, which, after a second, was fully returned. Julian nodded at the nurse and took her to one side.

"Where's doctor Girani?"

"In her quarters doctor. Probably asleep. Er...should I call her sir?"

Julian shook his head.

"When she comes back on duty..." he paused. Nurse Bandee and her colleague held their breaths. Julian grinned. 

"You can tell her that if she ever does that again I'll put her on report for the rest of her life."

The nurses grinned, and Miles clapped Julian on the back as they left the room together.

"They worry about you Julian."

Julian nodded absently.

"I know. Along with everyone else..." he turned to Miles suspiciously.

"How do you know anyway?"

Miles shrugged.

"Doctor Girani told me you work too hard. Come to think of it, that's all anyone has said about you ever since I arrived. They think I can persuade you to relax."

"Miles...don't misunderstand me. It's great to see you again, but why now? How come you're here now?"

"I have four months leave as of now, and so do you. You are coming back to spend your four months with me on Earth. If you refuse, I will personally go to Starfleet's CMO and see what she has to say about it."

"You'd go to Admiral Pulaski?"

Miles nodded.

"We served together for a year on the Enterprise. Believe me Julian...she'll listen to me."

Julian stopped walking and stared out of one of the viewports.

"This is blackmail."

"Yes. What do you say?"

"Miles I can't...you have no idea...I just...I need to keep working. I must. The only way..."

"The only way to kill yourself? Is that it?"

When his friend did not reply, Miles took Julian gently but firmly by the shoulder and turned him around so they were face to face. He waited until Julian met his eyes.

"How do you rate Ezri as a counselor? Would you say she knows what she's talking about?"

Julian nodded.

"Of course. She's an excellent..." Julian dropped his eyes.

"What has she been saying to you?"

"To me? Nothing. She's a professional. I get the impression that she is seriously worried about you though. The word is you're heading for a breakdown of mammoth proportions if you don't take some R & R right away."

"Who said that?"

Miles grinned.

"I can't give anyone away, you know that, but this is official my friend. If you don't come with me now and do your best to relax for a few weeks, the Colonel will have to take more drastic measures...who knows what that will mean?"

Julian glared at him.

"I'm a doctor. You all think I can't look after myself? There's nothing wrong with me. Just leave me alone and let me get on with my work!"

He turned and marched away down the promenade, with Miles looking after him in considerable distress. This was going to be harder than he had imagined. A soft hand touched his shoulder. It was Dax.

"We've all tried talking to him Miles, and he's been terribly calm and polite to all of us. That was the most promising response anyone has had. Keep trying. You're getting through."

Miles glanced at her for a long moment.

"What if I fail, Ezri? Will you relieve him of his duties on the grounds of exhaustion and severe depression?"

Ezri looked miserable.

"Yes...if I have to. Don't fail me, Miles."

Since Julian had apparently dropped his commbadge somewhere, it took took Miles forty-five minutes to track him down to one of the lower cargo bays. He stood outside the door, peering through the window for several seconds, watching his friend pounding his fists hard against an alloy packing case. The metal casing showed not a mark, though even from this distance, Miles could see blood

on his friend's knuckles. He crept inside.

"Julian?"

"Over here."

He found his friend sat against the far wall, one knee drawn up under his chin, his wounded hand resting on his knee. He let out a small ironic laugh as Miles crept up.

"This is a turnaround isn't it? You coming to talk sense into me?"

Miles nodded. He recalled an occasion when he himself had been suffering such extreme trauma, that he had attempted suicide... although Julian was the only one who knew it. Julian had arrived in the nick of time and talked him round. He had later been unspeakably grateful to Julian for being so firm and persistant.

"They told me some of the things that's happened to you since I left. I might have known you'd get into trouble without having me to run after."

Julian laughed weakly.

"Miles, you know what it's like. You were no different after that old affair... work does help you forget. Doesn't it?"

Miles sat beside him.

"That's what I thought...but you showed me it doesn't make the problem go away. That's what happens when you run away from things Julian. They're always there waiting for you...only you find they've grown bigger in the waiting. The more you deny it, the bigger it gets, until in the end you can't focus on anything else."

Julian turned to look at him.

"I'm not really such a fool Miles. I know everyone has been trying to help. When I'm helping other people, I can see the problem and how to solve it. It's not so easy when I'm the one with the problem."

Miles nodded.

"Believe me Julian, I know. It takes a brave man to admit it too. But you've spent all your time here helping everyone else, usually against the odds. We've all seen how passionate you are about your work. You're a fool to think all these people you have helped, and who care so much about you, will let you go on and on without doing their damndest to help you in return. You should let them."

Julian buried his face in his hands.

"How? How do I just let go? What's happened to me Miles? I'm tired of facing things and I'm tired of fighting. I don't know what to do any more."

It was the first crack in the defences. Miles placed his hand on Julian's shoulder.

"You know Julian, right now, you remind me of Molly after she's had a bad nightmare. She needs comforting until the fears go away. You've been looking after everyone on the station for over eight years with hardly a break. No wonder you're starting to crack at the seams. We all need R & R from time to time. Come with me now. No rules or regulations, no emergencies, no reports or forms to fill out. Come home with me. We might even visit the Alamo when you're ready."

Julian looked up at Miles, and not for the first time, Miles would have given much to know what was running through the man's mind. The younger man said nothing, merely nodded.

They booked passage back to Earth on a Ferengi freighter, and had to share their quarters with forty cases of Ardulian Brandy and eighty-one crates of Greci fruit from the Garcolian sector of the Gamma Quadrant. More than once they awakened from uneasy slumber with the feeling that the Greci fruit was carrying a number of uninvited creepy-crawly stowaways.

Throughout the journey, Bashir remained largely silent and preoccupied. O'Brien grew increasingly worried about him. He had grown very fond of Bashir over the years, despite his irritating habit of continually spouting nonsense; and he found he had missed his friend's prattle. Most worrying, was how much Julian had changed in the year since the end of the war.

From the first moment the very young and naive Bashir had first arrived on the station, he had exuded nothing but confidence and enthusiasm. The more hopeless the situation, the more confident Bashir seemed to be. He had his own ups and downs, just as everyone else did, but his enthusiasm had never faltered...until now.

As Earth was approaching, and they were collecting their things together to disembark, Julian happened to look up and caught Miles watching him. Miles, who a few years ago would have raised his voice in some kind of complaint rather than let Julian see any kind of concern on his face, merely raised an eyebrow.

"How are you doing?"

"Actually, I was wondering what would have happened if Ezri and I had got away on our trip after all, instead of getting caught up with section 31 again."

Miles nodded.

"Section 31 have a lot to answer for...and one day they will Julian. One day they will. Come on, Earth is waiting."


	3. Out Of Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miles is becoming more worried about his friend, and decides that a change of scene might help Julian to relax a little more...

The two men beamed down to Starfleet Academy Base and wandered through the gardens, watching the cadets hurrying to class, lounging on the grass or exercising. Julian shook his head.

"This all brings back memories."

Miles glanced at him. As an enlisted man, he had never attended the Academy himself.

"Good memories?"

Julian shrugged.

"Some of them."

"Some? You mean your Academy days weren't the happiest days of your life?"

"Yes, they were happy for the most part. I had a lot to prove back then, and even more to hide. More than that, was the constant battling against low self-esteem."

They left the gardens behind and began walking down the street toward the river. Miles was intrigued.

"Low self-esteem? You? How come?"

Julian glanced at him and laughed ironically.

"Surprised?"

Miles nodded.

"Yes, somewhat..."

"I said once that there was no stigma attached to success. Well, stigma no, but the more you achieve, the more people expect you to achieve, until people start predicting doom after even a single mistake. I was expected by everyone to always be top of every class. I had always been, ever since..."

Miles nodded.

"So what was the problem?"

"Come on Miles, use your imagination. I was genetically enhanced when I was six. I didn't learn about what had been done to me until I was fifteen years old. I lied about my genetic background in order to be accepted into the Medical Academy, knowing that for the rest of my life, I would be forced to hide the truth from everyone. By that time, it was much much harder to suppress it. How was I supposed to know just how intelligent I was allowed to be before people got suspicious? I could have memorised every single book in the library within a single year if I had let myself do it. I could have taken every single course... engineering, operations...the lot, and passed all of them with flying colours. I had to pretend to memorise my books at the same speed as the rest of my class, just so that no one

would suspect anything. Then, every time I saw my father, he would ask me if I was sure I had been careful enough? As if I wasn't worrying about that enough as it was!"

"What about the low self-esteem?"

This time, Julian's watery smile became slightly bitter.

"On my fifteenth birthday, my brother decided to let me into the family secret. He took great pleasure in telling me how very slow and stupid I was before the enhancements, and how much I owed to mum and dad for giving me a chance to live without handouts. He was right, after all Miles. If I had never been taken to Adigeon Prime, if they hadn't broken the law, I would likely be in a bar somewhere now, pushing a broom; or cutting grass. A slow, dim-witted creature; an object of pity."

Miles was stunned. It had never occured to him to look at things from quite that angle, but there was no denying it. All the same, how cruel it was to have all that pointed out to you, at the tender age of fifteen, an age when one is especially sensitive to personal criticism anyway. Whatever anguish it must have caused him, the very young Julian whom had first set foot on DS9 had shown no sign of it. That was another thing. Julian's brother had told him? He had not known that Julian Bashir had a brother!

"I'm sorry Julian. People tend to take everything for granted. A quick brain equals an easy time and no side effects. And you've never shown any sign of feelings like that either."

Julian shrugged.

"I prefer it this way. The less people know..."

Miles frowned at that, but decided to let it rest for the time being.

"You know, I never realised you had a brother."

Julian nodded.

"He's about...thirty-nine by now. I've not seen him in a long time."

"Are you close...or were you, rather?"

Julian shook his head.

"No. He was a bully when I was young, and supercilious when I grew older. He used to use the DNA resequencing to taunt me."

"Where is he now?"

"He's a civilian security officer with the diplomatic core. He spends most of his time escorting off-world Ambassadors to and from their vessels. Mostly on Earth. He works alongside Starfleet security, but I'm told he comes in useful occasionally, because of course, not every world welcomes starfleet. He is at least dedicated to his job."

"What's his name?"

"Omar. Omar Bashir. He is a good six inches shorter than I am, but very...stocky and muscular. He could kill a cat at twenty paces, just by glaring at it. He's not a man to trifle with."

"How long since you last saw him?"

"Eight years...he came by my quarters on the Ulysses, just before my assignment to DS9 came through. He told me... well, never mind about that...but suffice it to say, we've never seen each other since. I hope...I hope I never see him again."

Miles blinked, then whistled softly.

"Well, I hope Molly and Kirayoshi never grow apart like that. I would like to think that even after Keiko and I are gone, they'll be close."

Julian smiled.

"You should know by now Miles, I'm the exception, not the rule! Anyway, speaking of families, how are Keiko and the kids?"

"They're fine. Molly's doing well at school...Keiko's working hard on several new projects for starfleet command."

They strolled to the O'Brien house in friendly silence, Julian especially soaking in the relaxed atmosphere of Earth. This was something he had definitely forgotten. Whatever might be going on out there in the galaxy, here on Earth there was a feeling of tranquility, like nothing would ever touch them. He hadn't felt like this for a long time. Once, he had thrived on action and challenge. Now he was tired. Simply too tired. Perhaps Kira and Ezri had been right to insist he come and visit the O'Briens after all. It was certainly good to see Miles again. Simply seeing Miles' cheerful grin and strong grip on his arm made him feel better. Miles was an engineer by trade...a problem-solver. He was down-to-earth and solid and reliable. His presence was oddly reassuring.

The house was empty when they arrived. Keiko had taken the children out for the day, leaving the way clear for Julian to relax. Miles showed Julian the room he was to have, and dumped his bag down on the floor.

"Alright Julian, why don't you change into civilian clothes and I'll show you around huh?"

Julian nodded, and bent to open his bag.

Miles went back downstairs and prepared a drink for both of them. He waited for some time and frowned.

"Julian's taking his time!" he thought to himself, "I hope he's alright."

He crept up the stairs and knocked at Julian's door. There was no reply. He opened the door softly and peeped inside. Julian's bag was empty and his clothes had been put carefully away. His blue starfleet uniform had been screwed up into a ball and thrown into a corner of the room. Julian, dressed in brown trousers and a cream shirt, was curled up on the bed, sleeping.

Miles smiled and quietly withdrew.

Julian did not reappear for some time. When Keiko and the children arrived back that evening, she looked concerned when he told her. Miles tried to reassure her.

"Julian can sleep for three days when he needs to, or keep going for three days without sleeping. I'm told he's not had much sleep lately. He'll be fine my love, really."

"Are you sure? Kira said he'd changed and I..."

Miles nodded.

"He has changed...you'll be quite shocked when you see him. He looks... careworn. You remember how he used to be when we first met him on the station?"

Keiko nodded, smiling.

"Yes. He was...young."

"Well not any more. He's aged about five years since we said goodbye to him. He looks like he needs a sabbatical."

Keiko settled down into her husband's loving arms.

"You know, I don't remember Julian ever really worrying about anything. He was always confident that things would work out alright...or at least, that was the image he projected."

"A lot of that was a screen. You know that talkative chap he was at first, who used to tell everyone his whole life story without drawing a single breath?"

Keiko chuckled, remembering.

"He used to drive you mad."

"It was his way of hiding who he really is. We all thought we knew everything there was to know about him, and yet all the time we really knew nothing at all. Once we learned about his genetic enhancements, he stopped trying so hard, but even then, most people still never got really close to him. I think Ezri and I were closest to him, and he still would put up some kind of protective armour when it came to certain subjects."

"Like he's afraid of letting anyone get too close?"

Miles stared at her, nodding.

"That's exactly it!"

Keiko shook her head, sympathy etched on her face.

"I wonder what happened to cause that?"

A voice behind them made them jump.

"You could always ask!"

"Julian! Come in and sit down."

Julian, looking rumpled, sank down in an armchair and grinned sheepishly at them.

"Sorry...I lay down for a moment and..."

Keiko chuckled.

"You must have been tired. Hungry?"

When the two men nodded, she winked at Miles and headed for the kitchen.

"I'll get dinner. You two can talk."

When she was gone, Julian looked back at Miles.

"She is remarkably tactful Miles. Listen, thanks. I really mean that."

Miles shook his head.

"Don't be daft Julian, it'll be like old times. Perhaps we'll even visit the Alamo while you're here."

Julian nodded.

There was a pause, during which each of them seemed to be waiting for the other to say something. At length, Julian broke the silence.

"Your coming to the station was Kira's idea wasn't it? She contacted you?"

Miles nodded reluctantly.

"She told me you were under the weather and needed a break."

Julian let out an ironic laugh.

"I bet she was more vocal than that. She told me that I was not a one-man-band, and that if I tried to carry the whole Federation on my back, all alone, I could not save it and I would only succeed in breaking my back."

"She was right. You've always tended to take things too much on yourself...Sloan for instance."

Julian shuddered.

"I think that was the start. That's when the galaxy stopped being a nice place... section thirty-one!"

"They've returned to you since Sloan's death!"

Julian nodded.

"Yes, they told you I suppose? My new tormentor is an irritant called Cole. No record of him anywhere on any database either. Obviously an alias."

"You're still determined to get shot of section thirty-one?"

The other shrugged.

"It's like a malignant boil that won't go away. Keeps on popping up again and again! Just a pain in the arse!"

Miles gave a shout of laughter, which a moment later, Julian joined in. He wiped his eyes.

"I've missed you Miles."

Miles got up and walked to the tall french windows. Julian got up and stood beside him.

"Look at that out there Julian."

He looked. The river, still the same as it had been for centuries, still flowing, cleaner than in past centuries, but still busy with river-traffic, mostly pleasure boats full of sight-seeing alien visitors. The Golden-Gate bridge, all the sights he had not seen for so long. The blue sky beyond that was more beautiful than anything he had encountered on any other world. Even the skies of Risa were pale by comparison...this was home. Miles glanced sideways at his friend and saw the embryo of a tear in his eye.

"Nothing compares does it? You can leave, perhaps for years, but you never ever seem to find anywhere that quite matches up. Home..."

Julian looked round.

"DS9 was your home once Miles. Has this become your home again? Would you ever again trade the one for the other?"

Miles paused, reflecting that Julian had taken his point and leaped ahead with it, answering the thought rather than the actual comment. Where was home? How would he answer? As usual, he fell back on the plain truth.

"Earth is my home...I love it because I was born here, and I would die to defend it. You know that Julian, because I know you feel the same way..."

Julian nodded confirmation of this.

"Yes...but?"

"To me...home really means people...friends...family."

There was a long silence, which Miles finally broke.

"You want to know the real reason I finally decided to come back here don't you? Why did I leave the station?"

Julian turned his head and looked at him. He seemed sad...no not sad exactly, melancholy. Somehow Miles felt compelled to explain himself.

"You know how much Keiko gave up when we left the Enterprize to go to DS9? Her profession, her own starfleet career...then the war came, with all the worry and danger. When I was offered this teaching post, Keiko was really excited about the whole idea. I didn't have the heart to refuse her Julian. Marriage is about give and take...and she had already given up so much.

At least on Earth, she can live without constant fear of war or alien attack, no fear of letting Molly or the baby out of her sight. She can be a Botanist without always having to be away from home, and take up her starfleet career again if she wants to. I owed it to her Julian. I owed it to all of them."

Julian nodded, as if all of that was already understood. He reached out and opened the door in front of him and stepped out into the garden. He took a deep breath and gave a grin.

"Another benefit...breathing in fresh air...not old recycled air." He commented. "I haven't smelt fresh air since..."

He broke off suddenly, and his face closed up, an inscrutable mask hiding whatever thoughts or emotions might be bubbling beneath the surface. Miles put a hand on his shoulder.

"Are you alright?"

Julian smiled cheerfully. Too cheerfully, Miles thought. A false smile. A Julian special, calculated to hide and mask the truth. Skillfully executed certainly, but Miles had learned to recognise it when Julian was acting. His eyes told their own tale of pain and despair.

Miles and Keiko found it difficult to recognise this new, subdued, very much quieter Julian. He smiled less and his eyes had lost the old sparkle. He answered questions easily enough when they focused on matters of general interest, but clammed up like an oyster whenever the question became more personal. In his concern, Miles began to feel more like a kindly benevolent uncle than a friend. He felt like he should be reminding Julian to clean his teeth and wash behind the ears, as if the other was still a young child. That was what was different. Julian appeared

to have lost his focus. He no longer seemed in control of his life and his future. He was lost. Vulnerable.

For the first week or so, Julian showed no interest in leaving the house at all, but spent his time sleeping or reading. Sometimes they would miss him, and on searching, would find him sitting on the roof of the house, gazing out across the river.

Julian himself was secretly enjoying this opportunity to wallow in his own moodiness, to be lazy and spend his days doing nothing, with no one making demands on him. He refused to think about recent events, and the toll they had taken on him. Very sensibly he spent his time catching up on lost sleep and trying slowly to regain some of his equanimity.

Miles found it very difficult to be patient with the man, yet at the same time was unwilling to push him any faster than he wanted to go. He just looked too fragile to cope with it. Finally though, he decided that if he had to stay within the four walls one more day, he would go mad himself. He found Julian perched on the roof, and climbed up and sat beside him.

"Penny for 'em?"

Julian roused himself from somewhere far away and glanced quickly at him before looking back across the river.

"Huh?"

"Penny for your thoughts?"

Julian smiled weakly.

"They're not worth a penny Miles. I just like sitting here."

"What are you looking at?"

"Nothing really. Just looking."

"Well, instead of looking, why not actually come out with me? You've had more sleep than Rip Van Winkle. It's time you got some exercise before you start to lose that skinny figure of yours."

"Rip Van who?"

Miles would not be tempted.

"Julian, I've talked to Keiko about it and she's quite happy about the idea."

"What idea?"

"You and I are going camping for a few days."

"Camping?"

"Yes. So you'd better get yourself down here and pack your things. We're leaving in thirty minutes."

"Oh Miles, I really..."

"Look Julian, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. This is my house and you are my guest. I am going camping, and since I won't have you alone in the house with Keiko, you're coming with me. Besides, you can mope just as easily in a tent as you can on a roof."

Julian glanced sideways at his friend.

"Mope?"

"Yes, mope." Miles frowned at his friend. Julian really did look like a little lost soul.

"Julian, please? Just put a change of clothes and your toothbrush in the backpack I've left out for you, and be quick about it. We'll talk later."

Julian made no move.

"Mope? Have I really been that bad?"

"I'll answer that later, now git!"

Julian got.

As he waited for Julian to pack his rucksack, Miles wondered how long it would be before Julian started to open up to him, or if he would ever do so. The thing about the human psyche was that often someone who had a problem could not define it, or even recognise it existed. Until a problem was diagnosed, it could not be treated. Miles knew that, even without any medical training.

Julian had admitted to having a problem of some kind, but that was all. Was Julian's problem something tangible, something clearly definable? Or was it shrouded in obscurity? Miles could only hope that a few days alone together would throw up the opportunity for him to find out. Otherwise, what was the chances of Nerys getting back her valued CMO?

They carried a few provisions in backpacks, and Julian followed meekly as a routine shuttle-flight dropped them somewhere in the middle of nowhere, with only a single communicator as their contact to the outside world. As the shuttle disappeared out of sight, Julian glanced round at the beautiful scenery.

"Are you sure this is a good idea, Miles?"

Miles clapped him on the shoulder.

"Come on old friend. This'll do us both a power of good."

They followed the path they were on along the crest of the hill, eventually even Julian stopped to marvel at the beauty around them. The craggy hills, and the wooded valleys spread below them like a luxurious carpet. It was the first time for years Julian had spent any length of time out in the countryside, just walking, for the sake of walking. Nowhere particular to get to, no timetable to keep to, no one relying on him. No life or death decisions to make...and slowly, he began to notice things.

He noticed the way the breeze blew softly against his face, how warm it was, and the fact that it smelt vaguely of juniper and pine. He noticed birdsong...something that was missing in space.

He'd forgotten just how beautiful a sound it was. He noticed too the weight on his heart, instead of becoming lighter at the sight of all this beauty and peacefulness, seemed to become heavier and heavier, until at last he felt he could bear it no longer.

Miles noticed straight away when Julian stopped following him, and looked around. His friend was standing at the cliff edge, staring...at what, Miles couldn't be sure. He dropped his pack on the ground beside Julian's, and joined him near the edge. He couldn't help noticing tears in the young man's eyes. When Julian spoke, it was almost as if he were talking to himself.

"...a long way down to the bottom you know...so easy to do. Just a step forward..."

Miles grabbed his elbow and jerked him back as Julian seemed about to lurch forward.

"Julian don't!"

Julian came out of his reverie, and stepped back, thankfully, to a safe distance from the precipice. Miles sat down beside him, breathing heavily.

"Julian, you scared me there for a minute. I really thought you were going to jump!"


	4. On The Edge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Julian, you scared me there for a minute. I really thought you were going to jump!" 
> 
> Julian looked him in the eye. 
> 
> "I nearly did." 
> 
> Julian's desperation reaches crisis point. Can Miles help him? How?

Miles grabbed his elbow and jerked him back as Julian seemed about to lurch forward. 

"Julian don't!" 

Julian came out of his reverie, and stepped back, thankfully, to a safe distance from the precipice. Miles sat down beside him, breathing heavily. 

"Julian, you scared me there for a minute. I really thought you were going to jump!" 

Julian looked him in the eye. 

"I nearly did." 

Miles took that as calmly as he could, doing his best to hide his shock. 

"What were you hoping to find?" 

Julian seemed surprised at the question. No, not the question itself, but the fact that the practically minded Miles had asked it. He answered simply. 

"Respite." 

"Respite from what Julian? What is it that's been torturing you? I hoped you'd find peace out here. I'm sorry I was wrong." 

Julian shook his head. 

"No Miles, you're weren't wrong at all, that's just it! It's so lovely out here. beautiful, peaceful...uncomplicated. Everything in nature has its proper place, its own role in the scheme of things, and they fit together like a bee in a foxglove. The cycle of life. Even humans have their place in that cycle, Miles...you. But what about me? Where do I fit in? I'm not natural. I have no role to play in nature, no proper place to fit into. I am manufactured. Not like your old friend Mr Data. He's natural because he has never pretended to be anything other than he is. There will always be people who object to my existence because I am a monster."  
Miles suspected he was beginning to see the light, and his heart ached for his friend. The genetic enhancement thing had always hurt Julian, more than anyone else could ever imagine.

Miles was aware that Julian had often wished the procedure had never been done, that he could have been left to develop in his own way, and yet at the same time, terrified of the limitations that alternative Julian would have had. It was something that was unlikely to ever be resolved. Miles had believed that Julian had come to terms already with that aspect of things, as something that nothing could alter, so what was this about?

Dax and Kira had described the mission to Sindorin in awful detail, enough to give Miles a clue to the reason for this black fit. The thing was, where was Julian heading with this? How could throwing himself off a high cliff solve things? 

"Julian, you said that to me before, when I first learned about your genetic resequencing, about your being a monster. You are kind and caring, a courageous person with strong moral convictions. You have saved more lives than anyone else I know. You can't mean that you're a monster yourself. You're talking about being enhanced, right?" 

Julian nodded. 

"So all genetically enhanced people are monsters, who deserve to die, is that what you're saying?" 

Julian shrugged, then nodded. Miles chewed his lip. 

"Then what about Serena? Is she a monster?" 

"Serena!" 

This was going nowhere. Already Julian appeared to be gazing longingly once more in the direction of the cliff-top. He had to do something soon, or Julian might just decide to go through with it. 

"Julian, this is nothing to do with Serena, or Jack, or  
anyone else is it? This is to do with you. What happened to you on that last mission? I know it's classified, but who's going to overhear? Something happened to you." 

Julian shook his head. 

"I wish I could tell you Miles..." 

Miles sighed. 

"Sindorin. A genetically enhanced madman called Locken who saw himself as another Khan. Nerys and Ezri told me some of it." 

Julian nodded, not really surprised. 

"L.L.Locken was a doctor Miles. He cared about people...all he ever wanted to do was take care of children. He loved children. I read Ro's report about what she found in the woods. The children…children were…they were slowly and sadistically tortured and murdered by a man who had been a lover of children and only wanted to end their pain!? He was like me Miles. Everything about him was just like me! He was recruited by Section 31, and they changed him. They made him do things he would never have done, and in the end they changed him for good. He became convinced that he was the true way, the future of humanity. I found clones Miles, in his lab, clones of ME! Both male and female! Abominations, stinking and putrid! He stepped over the line because the line become too hard to see. Miles, I'm scared!" 

Tears poured down Julian's face, his expression one of self-loathing. 

"Where is the line, Miles? How do I know I didn't take that one step too far when I invaded Sloan's mind in order to save Odo? Seven years ago I would never have entertained the idea. I did it, because I knew I could, because of my enhanced brain. I decided that my own convictions were enough to justify breaking the law, not to mention my oath as a doctor to do no harm...Miles I HAVE gone too far already! One more step is all it takes. One tiny step. My judgement against yours. Who is right? I am of course. I have an enhanced brain, so I have to be right, and you have to be wrong. I can never be beaten in a battle of wits with you can I? That means I deserve to rule you...and every other non-enhanced person...the entire quadrant in fact." 

Miles shook his head, speaking softly. 

"Ezri said you were almost sick when you saw the inside of Locken's private lab. Why?"  
“Because that's how it all made me feel." 

"You were so revolted by what he was doing, that it actually made your stomach heave? That's a pretty strong feeling. Why didn't you join him in his quest to rule the quadrant? Between you, you could have succeeded. You could be ruling now, this very moment." 

"Because he was mad. No one person is better than any other, whether they're enhanced or not. He saw us as better than the rest of humanity." 

"But you don't?" 

"No." 

"How do you see me compared with yourself, Julian?" 

"You're better than I am." 

"And why do you say that?" 

"Because you are you. You're the person you were born to be. I'm just a pretender. I've no right to rule anything." 

"So Locken was an evil madman?" 

"Very evil." 

"How much do you believe that?" 

Julian just glared balefully at him. Miles nodded.  
"You hate Locken so much, and you're so afraid that he might have somehow tainted you, that you are willing to commit suicide? You want to jump off this cliff, to rid the galaxy of the evil Julian Bashir? To make sure that you never ever end up as evil as Locken? To get away from section 31 forever, just in case they do succeed in turning you into another Locken?" 

"I'm a danger to everyone." 

Miles shook his head. 

"Old friend, would Locken have killed himself at the possibility of one day becoming like Khan? Most people don't consider how their own actions might effect others, and yet you do. You're so concerned about it, that you think you deserve to die! You love the rest of the galaxy so much that you'll do anything you can to keep them safe. Has it also occured to you that Section 31 might see you as the only real danger to their existence? That you are the one man living who has a chance of destroying their autonomy? I put it to you that they were testing you on Sindorin. You might join Locken, in which case they were prepared to destroy you both. You could destroy Locken's work, which you did. Thereafter, you would either be unchanged, and they would keep using you as they have done, or you might end up destroying yourself which would have got you out of their hair once and for all. 

Didn't Sloan say you were dangerous? Not to the Federation you're not. You pose the only real danger that Section 31 has ever faced. If you kill yourself, they'll have won a real moral victory. You have a place Julian. You're a doctor. You help people. You save lives...and you make Ezri smile."

There was a long pause, and Miles could tell that Julian was thinking over all he had said. Mulling it over in that brilliant mind of his. He wondered what conclusions his friend was coming to. If they were the wrong ones, if Julian was really serious of putting the galaxy out of his misery, it would be almost impossible for Miles to stop him. Julian's physical strength and stamina were genetically enhanced along with his brain. Miles would never be able to hold him back, if he really decided to go for it. He watched Julian's face as it underwent a number of subtle changes.

Finally, Julian's head dropped, then his body, and finally, Julian lay flat out on the grass, his shoulders shaking, weeping uncontrollably. Miles sat and watched, feeling desperately sorry for the younger man, the sound wrenching at his heart, leaving it bruised and aching. It was some time before Julian had recovered enough of his composure to sit up again, and when he did, he carefully kept his back turned from his friend. Miles ached with sympathy for him, wishing there was some way to help Julian realize that he need not feel any embarrassment for his feelings, but all he had were clumsy words. Instead, he sat silently, waiting for Julian to come to things in his own good time. Eventually, Julian turned his head. His face was pale, his eyes bloodshot and rimmed with red. He looked self-conscious and very embarrassed.

“I am sorry about that Miles...I don't think I've ever done that before..."

“I think Ezri would say you needed it. We all have things to face sooner or later, a demon if you like that comes sneaking up to haunt us, just when we think we have life completely sorted."

"You would at least have reacted with a bit of backbone, Miles."

Miles rolled his eyes exaggeratedly.

“Oh this is the `big men don't cry' routine is it? You may be my best friend Julian, but you don't know everything about me. You told me once that you admired me. Well, I was sort of flattered about that, because I admired a lot of things about you too. There are things about me that only my wife was ever going to know...I would have died of shame if you had found them out."

Julian was listening at least, so he ploughed on.

“I'll give you an example shall I? I remember when I was captured during the Cardassian war, I was determined that I was not going to give the bloody Cardies the satisfaction of breaking me. I would stay silent, and bravely face anything they did to me. I was sure that nothing they could do would change that. I hated them so much, I was sure that it would be enough.

Then they started to torture me. You stay silent, Julian, for twenty-four hours or so, then you start to scream with the pain. You can't pass out. They keep you drugged with stimulants to prevent it. Once you've screamed yourself hoarse, the pain carries on and you start to cry and weep, then you beg them to kill you...but they won't. They just keep on torturing you, cranking up the levels, making the pain even worse. Sooner or later, you break. They keep it going relentlessly until you eventually break, then they give you a little smile, and they stop. They give you the antidote to the stimulant, they give you something to lie down on and they leave you alone. But then you still can't sleep because you start to hate yourself as much as you hate them because you let them break you! You feel you have betrayed everyone who has ever trusted you, because you let the damn Cardassian torturer get the better of you. You want to die. You stop caring about getting out, because you know that everyone is going to loathe you from now on as much as you do yourself. I got home Julian, to my apartment in Dublin, on my own, and I locked myself in for a month, and I must have cried enough tears to fill the entire Pacific basin. You see, I don't know what you are going through, but I do know what it is like to suffer shame, self loathing, hatred and nausea for someone else and for myself. You have to do what I have had to do Julian. You know, deep down inside yourself who you really are, what you really want. You know that everything I've been saying to you is right after all. You are afraid of the monster, just like I was."

He paused and made sure Julian was looking him in the eyes. Julian had tears in his eyes again, and a tear running down the side of his nose, but he was ignoring them.

“The monster is not real my friend. It's as imaginary as mine have always been. The other year when you stopped me from killing myself down in the cargo bay on the station? Your fears are real, just as mine were, but your monster doesn't exist any more than mine did."

Julian was silent for a long time, then slowly he got to his feet and strolled to the edge of the cliff. Miles closed his eyes, as terror washed over him that he had failed, that he had failed to convince his friend. He got up and went to stand beside him. Julian was not staring down, but across at the hills and valleys and woods stretching out to the distant horizon and beyond.

"What are you going to do Julian?"  
"I might recommend to Starfleet that you be reassigned to Deep Space Nine as a counselor."

Miles took that in, realization washing over him in a wave. He had got through to him? He had said something that had changed Julian's mind for him? He turned and the words he was about to say died on his lips. The look on Julian's face was so terribly sad, and when Julian smiled, the sadness seemed to break through all the more, making the smile heartrending.

“I must seem quite foolish really, making such a fuss over this, when nothing compares to the things you've been through in your life. . .and survived."

“Actually Julian, in some ways, it's quite a relief to know that you really are human after all. This problem and your feelings about it have been there inside you all along, haven't they? This mission to Sindorin only served to bring them all to a head?"

Julian nodded.

"It gave all my fears solidity, Miles. It's something like spending your whole life having a nightmare every night. You hate it, but you can rest assured that a dream is just a dream and it will be gone when you wake up...but then one day you wake up and your nightmare is there, in the real world, facing you, and there is no running away from it any more. You know it will be there, every time you close your eyes, each time you look in the mirror it will be there, staring back at you. Each time you are alone in the dark you expect it to tap you on the shoulder and say `Boo!'"

Miles shuddered at the mental imagery, but Julian shook his head, his eyes earnest.

“Miles, what you've said to me has helped me to remember that the dream is still a dream. It won't ever go away. I will always have to face it, but it is still a dream, imprisoned in the world behind the looking glass."

He looked down at the grass at his feet.

"I suppose Sindorin, and that madman...a lot of the things he said to me, were quite right you know, it all scared me into realizing how narrow that path can be that I am treading on. Whatever you say Miles, it is a fine line between what I am and what he was, but the fear blew it all up out of proportion for me. You see you should never have left the station. Only someone with a lot of down to earth common sense would get through my thick skull."

Miles smiled, but he couldn't laugh. He had been badly frightened in the last hour or so. His heart still pounded when he thought of how close Julian Bashir, Julian Bashir of all people, had come to committing suicide! Julian put a hand on Miles' shoulder.

"Thank you, Miles. What you have done for me is...I'll never be able to repay you."

"What are friends for, eh? Julian...were you really going to jump? Honestly? Would you really have killed yourself?"

There was a long pause, while Julian studied Miles' face to ascertain the seriousness of the query, but Miles was serious. He really wanted to know.

"The answer, Miles...is yes. I was going to jump. Seriously, I was literally, honestly about to jump when you pulled me back the first time. I wasn't myself. I guess I'm still not myself, but thanks to you, at least I know I am traveling in the right direction, that I'll get there in the end. You really have saved me from myself Miles, and I will never forget it. What I need to do now is contact Admiral Pulaski at Starfleet medical and apply for a sabattical."

"You have four months leave anyway."

"I know, but I'm not sure that it will be enough time. The mind is not like the body Miles. There is no pill or hypospray that will cure it overnight."

Miles nodded understandingly.

"You intend to see a psychologist, and go through all of this properly. Ezri is too close to you for you to respond to her in the same way. What about Deanna Troi? I used to work with her on the Enterprize. She is on sabattical at the moment for a year or something, so she's free to help you. You remember her, of course?"

Julian nodded.

"I'll stay here on earth for a while then Miles, and do this whole thing properly. I'll do as my commanding officer says...Colonel Kira wants me back as the man I was before."

Miles smiled. He had won.


End file.
